A remote to life

Life is happening all around me.
And I need all the buttons on a remote to control it.

Days seem to creep by, but it is all mostly a blur.

A year has already come and gone and it is already time for another deployment, our biggest one yet. I am not ready, I can't even fake it. The first one, I didn't know what to expect but going on the third I just want to push pause. It hurts, every once of my heart. For Jake, for my babies and for me. My lungs don't even seem to work right when he's away.

My babies are also growing, rapidly. They are full blown toddlers and it is not easy. Newborn twins and a baby was a breeze compared to this. They are testing me and teaching me every minute of every day. When I fail, I want to rewind and redo everything.

H is going through something that I cannot control. We have ups and downs, but everything is new and unknown. I just want press stop when everything is going on around us and reach deep down and fix it. Why can't it be that easy? I'm his mom, I carried him in my belly, but I can't fix this.

I know God is hiding the remote from me though. He is control. He designed every detail of this life for me. It is my story, it's my families story. It's hard, but there's something hidden that I must experience instead of pressing buttons to control it.